Growing up in a traditional Jain family, Vipin Jain explains to the authors of a new book, he learned at a young age that it was strictly forbidden for him to eat meat or marry outside his caste. Jainism, the religion Vipin follows, is one of the world’s oldest and originated in India over 2,500 years ago. Today, less than half a percent of India’s population identifies as Jain, but the majority belong to a higher caste in the ancient social hierarchy based on one’s occupation and deeply tied to purity and social status.
Jain’s story appears in Shivaji Das and Yolanda Yu’s book “Rebels, Traitors, and Peacemakers: True Stories of Love and Conflict in Indian-Chinese Relationships.” Jain eventually married Connie Wang, a Chinese-American citizen who was born in China. Published earlier this year, the book examines the hardships of such relationships and the resistance Jain and Wang faced from their families.
“From a young age, I was warned not to marry outside my caste,” says Jain, who is in his thirties. “This restriction did not make any logical sense. But the more I was warned, the more I wanted to rebel against it.”
Longstanding Tensions
Longstanding tensions between India and China have led to deep-seated prejudices between their citizens, shaping how they view one another. The story was no different for Jain and Wang’s families.
Political relations between India and China have remained tense for decades. Despite having fought only one war in 1962, resulting in India’s defeat, the two countries have the world’s longest disputed land border and compete for influence across the Asia-Pacific and Indian Ocean regions.
Increasing economic cooperation and ongoing talks to resolve the border dispute, which has sparked numerous skirmishes, has yet to find resolution. Meanwhile, the strained relations between the two countries have also fostered racial and negative biases among their citizens.
As such, marriages between Indians and Chinese are rare and often face significant pushback from families on both sides. Despite these barriers, Jain and Wang decided to marry. Their story is featured alongside those of 14 other Indian-Chinese couples in Das and Yu’s book. Das and Yu are an Indo-Chinese couple themselves, and their own story served as their inspiration.
Reflecting on his own experience of encountering resistance from his now mother-in-law, Das, a 45-year-old researcher at a consultancy firm in Singapore, noted the lack of discussion on the challenges faced by Indian-Chinese couples who are often labelled as “traitors” for loving someone from a perceived “enemy” country.
“We wanted to document what it means to be in such relationships for these individuals and what it largely signifies for two different countries who are always at each other’s throats,” Das explained in an interview.
Das married Yu, a now 40-year-old career and leadership coach of Chinese descent based in Singapore, in 2012.
Societal Resistance
Both Das and Yu encountered obstacles in winning over Yu’s mother, who, influenced by Indian films, viewed India as a patriarchal society. “She was not entirely wrong,” Das said, adding: “That’s why she was concerned that I might turn out to be one of those oppressive husbands shown in the films and could abandon her daughter someday.”
Yu and Das have now been married for 11 years. Yu’s mother has not only accepted their relationship but also believes their marriage was a good decision. “My mother was initially not very convinced but eventually she changed her perspective,” Yu recounted. “Now, she is fully supportive of our relationship. However, friends in my hometown still express curiosity about our relationship. But for my family and friends, our marriage has become part of daily life,” she said.
For their part, Jain and Wang’s journey was more challenging. Despite knowing they were dating, Wang’s parents continued to suggest potential matches for her. Wang, who studied intercultural conflict during a summer program in college and now works as an acupuncturist, decided to apply the knowledge she had acquired to her family.
Denial
According to Wang, her family was in denial, perceiving people from different cultures in simplistic and often self-serving ways. She decided to increase her parents’ exposure to Indian culture.
After two years of heated arguments, Wang’s mother, who had initially refused to meet Jain, finally agreed to a short rendezvous. “My mother now says that she liked him already from those brief five minutes,” Wang recalls in the book. “His humble manners, courage to show up despite knowing he was not welcome, and determination to support me completely changed her prejudice.”
Wang and Jain then held a simple wedding in the United States, with their parents attending via Zoom. Now, whenever a neighbor in Wang’s hometown or a stranger online makes a racial comment, Wang’s mother defends their marriage. “It was a complete turnaround,” explains Wang, who believes their love has successfully overcome familial disapproval and has contributed to breaking many cultural barriers.
Deep Racial Bias
Both Jain and Wang believe that familial and cultural differences are the biggest obstacles for most Indian-Chinese couples. With both countries having deeply conservative and patriarchal biases, and a strong preference for an ideal son-in-law or daughter-in-law who is well-versed in their respective cultures, young Indo-Chinese couples bear the brunt of overt racism, casteism, and religious influences.
These pressures have significant repercussions, especially for the women in the relationship. Some women endure confinement, others experience violence, and their partners frequently face humiliation from their own family members.
Our stories are unique to us and they need to be told.
– Shivaji Das
“There’s a fascination with white skin in both countries. Amid economic and political discord, race also plays a significant role. Some Chinese are as racially biased as some of the Indians are,” said Tilak Jha, an associate professor of journalism at Bennett University in New Delhi.
“But you would see diversity of opinion among people who have either personal or professional equation with China in India and that’s true for China as well,” Jha added. “They have an informed opinion. But those who don’t, their views are largely influenced by mainstream media in India, especially given the political tension between India and China, which spills over to the overall negative public opinion of China in India.”
“Quite Negative”
Jha added that while the negativity may not lead to the same level of hostility in China as it does in India — where people would burn Chinese flags and effigies of their political leaders — the authoritarian government in China significantly restricts public protests and resistance. “But in my experience with Chinese social media groups, the sentiment towards India is quite negative.”
Jain believes his parents’ resistance to his marriage with Wang came from their lack of exposure to different cultures. “In India, our interaction with China is limited to whatever happens at the border and Chinese goods,” Jain adds in the “Rebels, Traitors, and Peacemakers.”
As bitterness and hostility has marred the relationship between India and China since the Sino-Indian War of 1962, this conflict has set the tone for decades of mistrust and rivalry between the two neighboring giants.
Recent years have seen these tensions flare up again, most notably with the violent clashes in the Galwan Valley in June 2020, when several soldiers from both sides lost their lives. This deadly confrontation has not made it easy for people from both countries to forget their bitter past.
“Practical Issues at Stake”
“I am afraid sometimes it’s simply not possible for people to say they don’t care about a conflict,” said Jabin T. Jacob, who is an associate professor in the department of International Relations and Governance Studies in Shiv Nadar University and a former fellow and assistant director at the New Delhi-based Institute of Chinese Studies. “There are practical issues at stake such as official paperwork, visas, and travel, citizenship for their kids, relationships with extended families, among other issues.”
Jacob explained that “Indian society is generally less conducive to interracial marriages though they are fine with mixed marriages with white folks.” He added, “But there’s usually huge opposition to Indians marrying blacks, even if they were American or European. The racism runs deep in Indian society.”
Jacob believes that “unless some popular people from both India and China get married to each other or interracial marriages occur at a high frequency, they are unlikely to impact political ties between the countries.”
Experts believe that the longstanding border dispute has significantly inflamed public opinion on both sides in recent years, and this sentiment is further exacerbated by politicians to a larger extent.
“Domino Effect”
The way Jha sees it, when Indian politicians make incendiary comments about China, “it is likely to create a domino effect among the people.” Meanwhile, the situation differs in China, where rallies, speeches and press conferences routinely face restrictions. “There is far less diversity in the Chinese rhetorical space, even for politicians, which limits the expression of dialogue and debate.”
Jha went on to add that “most of the negativity, be it by the Chinese media or politicians, is directed towards the US, and India attracts attention primarily because of its close ties with the States.”
Despite rising political and security tensions between India and China, with both nations vying to be Asia’s undisputed superpower, Das and Yu only hope for more stories of shared companionship to emerge from the two countries. “Our stories are unique to us and they need to be told,” Das said. “After being with Yu for over a decade, my social and cultural worldview has become richer than what it used to be.”
Photo: A view of the Himalayas in China from India (Ruchika Maurya)
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